OK, so we’ve been married now for what? Two years and change? Yeah. And I look at some of the gifts we received, gifts that I picked out to receive and think to myself, “What the fuck was I thinking?”
Let’s back up a little. When I was wedding planning, it was tough to get The Candyman involved. To be fair, there were things he was interested in like the dinner menu and the cake.
Yeah. That was about it.
And during all this planning, all these veteran brides kept telling me, “Oh, just wait until it’s time to register! The guys love that gun thing. They love picking stuff out! You’ll have SO MUCH FUN!”
Yeah, right. I went to Bed, Bath and Beyond with my mother. We stood for probably twenty minutes trying to decide whether I needed a spring form pan or not. I mean, I’d always wanted a spring form pan. I’m not sure what for, but it seemed to be something every kitchen should have, right? But what do you use a spring form pan for other than cheesecake? And not being the biggest cheesecake person, did I really need one? Well, I registered for it and received it. I haven’t used the damn thing once. But I might. Someday.
Anyway, I could NOT get The Candyman into the registry thing. I literally forced him to sit at the computer and register for guy-shit at Target. You should have seen the stupid stuff he registered for. Oh. My. God. I think he registered for these sponges he likes to wash dishes with. SPONGES? Are you kidding me? Anyway, he also registered for a tool filled tool box thing, which we also got. And while the tools are great, the soft-sided tool box part of it SUCKED. It had a zippered top and zippered bottom and if you forgot to zip the bottom part and picked it up, all the tools came spilling out. It was the most horrid design.
I’m going to interrupt myself for a second because I’m starting to sound like a big, whiny, unappreciative bitch. And that’s not the case. I appreciate every gift we got, the time folks spent to choose it and send it and to come to our wedding. I really do.
What I want to talk about is being thoughtful in what you chose to register for.
But back to the bitching. I also registered for the coveted Kitchen Aid Mixer. Is there anyone who doesn’t register for this bad boy?
We didn’t get this for our wedding, but my parents were kind enough to give it to us for a Christmas present just two short months after our wedding. Now, having only owned a hand mixer for my whole life, I felt like I’d hit the mixer jackpot with my fancy-ass mixer.
I’m starting to resent this mixer. Want to know why? Because the son-a-bitch thing is built for right-handed people. And it took me this long to figure it out. You right-handed people are going to think I’ve gone banana-cakes, but it’s true. You left-handed people? You know what I’m talking about, living in this decidedly right-handed bigoted world.1
See the handy spout there on the RIGHT to pour stuff in? Not so great if you’re left handed. You can turn the spout to the other side, but then you need to turn the whole mixer to pour it correctly, which puts all the controls on the backside of the mixer, out of sight. I tell you, every time I try to add shit in while it’s mixing, half of whatever I’m adding ends up on the counter. So then I tried stopping the mixer, lifting it up and then adding. Nope. That stupid beater is so freakin’ big, it’s in the way. So then I have to unlock the bowl (which locks in a direction that feels wrong and opposite to me), add the shit and then lock everything up and start mixing again.
I went to my parents house a few months back and decided to bake something. I asked my mom if she had a stand mixer and I went digging around in her cupboards and found the same mixer from when I was like 11 years old. That woman can hold on to appliances like nobody’s business. I don’t think it’s avocado green. It might be that baby-puke yellow. Anyway, the thing was like a mixing dream. I’d trade her my Kitchen Aid mixer in a heart beat if I had the cupboard space because I certainly wouldn’t leave that thing out on my counter; ugly isn’t even close to describing it. But man, that thing can beat some cake batter something wicked.
And why did we register for a mini-fryer again? I’m putting that one on The Candyman. I knew it would make him happy if we got it and it DID. But I am terrified of deep frying. I mean, anything more than a tablespoon of oil in a frying pan scares me. Hot splattering oil just isn’t my kind of gig. I think we’ve used it twice, once was successful.
I registered for the wrong size tablecloth.
I love my pizza stone, but it’s made out of raw clay and every time I touch it with my bare hands, it’s like chewing tinfoil. It totally creeps me out, so I have to use potholders to move it.
And I feel bad about these things that I PICKED OUT and don’t work like we want them to. I feel like it’s MY FAULT. That zippered tool bag monstrosity? The Candyman cleaned out the garage last weekend and finally chucked it. We put our tools in the giant plastic thing I got a Home Depot instead. The normal kind of tool box that doesn’t spill open when you pick it up.
So be thoughtful when you choose your stuff. Don’t registered for crap because you think it’s fantastic (see Kitchen Aid mixer above) or because you think you need it or because someone somewhere said you should (like The Knot or some equally lame shit). I do think registering is a good thing to do. Lots of people expect you to do it, so it’s not rude. It doesn’t make you greedy. It’s helpful for busy folks: go on-line, clicky clicky clicky, add the gift wrap and the note and VOILA! Present shopping is DONE!
But do be thoughtful. I wasn’t so much. I wish The Candyman had been there with me to talk through the choices. In hindsight, I think I should have forced his hand on the whole registry thing. It should have been more of a team effort. I was glad that we included The American Cancer Society as one of our registry options. I do believe that was thoughtful. My aunt, who missed my wedding because she started chemotherapy the very next day, was in our thoughts on that decision (P.S. She’s now in remission!). The Candyman’s mother died of cancer when he was 11, so that charity was meaningful to him too. So think about those things too, not just the stuff.
Try to interact with the items beforehand, if you can, particularly on the big ticket items. We didn’t have a Crate & Barrel in Nashville, so I wasn’t able to touch that pizza stone. I should have checked out the mixer while at Bed, Bath & Beyond a little more thoroughly. I should have explained to The Candyman, as the main chef in the house, that hot oil scares me. I should have measured my damn dining room table.
While the registry part will probably be fun for most of y’all, like everything else about your upcoming marriage? Do be thoughtful. Do it as a team. Avoid the registry regret.
1 Spiral notebooks, standardized tests, can-openers, ladles, liquid measuring cups, receipt/paper placement when signing my name, built-in numeric keypads on a keyboard…it’s a long-ass list.