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Tuesday
Feb222011

How to Make Love

When I was off doing That Really Cool thing last month, I happened to visit a candy store in San Luis Obispo called Powell's Sweet Shoppe. We took my cousin's kids there one evening and I really wish I could tell you what their behaviors were (shock, awe, foaming at the mouth), but I was too busy foaming at the mouth myself to pay them any attention. I was simply amazed at all the freakin' candy they carry; all kinds of old school stuff that I hadn't seen in decades.

Like, where am I supposed to start here? I was so overwhelmed, I moved on.

I bought one of these. I had no idea what it was. Basically, it's a ball of chocolate with this cherry nougat-like center. It was pretty gross.

Now I also found and bought one of the most hilarious things I've ever seen. It's a little book called "How to Make Love" by Hugh Morris. It was written in 1936 and reprinted in 1987. The stuff written in here is so antiquated, I just don't know what to do with myself other than share the bits and pieces of hilarity here. I'd love to share every line, but that's just not plausible so I'll share snippets from time to time.

How to Make Love, The Secret of Wooing and Winning the One You Love

by Hugh Morris, Copyright 1936

(please note all excepts are copyright protected)

Excerpts from Chapter 1 - What is Love

Marriage is the culmination of love. Two people should never fall in love with each other unless they understand thoroughly that their love for each other is to eventuate into a future marriage.

This is what marriage means: a coming together, a comingling, a fluxing, a joining, all for the purpose of perpetuating the race. This drive in the human being to perpetuate his race is blind. We do it only because something within us forces us to do it. And it is that same blind something that brings two people together, neither knowing the why of their communion but each feeling that the marriage of their two selves was inevitable.It is this blind drive, this unknown force of magnetism that attracts them to each other, that is love.

Omar Khayyam said that only a hair divides the false and true. He could have said that even less than a hair divides love and hate. It takes very little for a great love to be changed into great hate.

There is only one kind of love and that is the love of a man for a woman or vice versa. Mother love, brother love, sister love, Platonic love, even the "unspeakable loves" of Oscar Wilde and Lord Alfred Douglas and Lesbia and her charming girls on the isle of Paphos, none of these is true love. Man and woman He created them. Man was created strong. Woman was created weak. Therefore, it is up to man to protect his woman.

Consider the watchful lion holding guard over his lioness mate while she suckles her cubs.

For instance, there is the difference in the attitude of man and woman towards the culmination of love. Woman, although she is just as anxious for love as man, must never betray her anxiety. She must always be passive. Man, it is, who must be the active partner. It is he who makes love to woman. He chases the woman who was made to be chased. The success of love depends entirely on the understanding of this basic relationship. 

 

Yeah, chew on that nonsense for a bit. The illustrations are just as ridiculous as the text! So what do you think? Would you like to continue to read excerpts from 1936 on "How to Make Love?" The part on kissing is hi-LAR-ious.

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Reader Comments (9)

I need to hear more from this book. That made me laugh out loud for realz. And I now have a madddd craving for candy...

February 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJazzWhispers

WOW. He chases the woman that was MADE to be chased. Interesting.

February 22, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterlizzie

I love the caption of the photo "man was created strong". Yeah, well, I'm having some difficulty recalling the last time Keith carried me so I wouldn't have to walk in the snow.

February 22, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterveronica

I don't think the author has done proper research on lions.

February 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterGEW

And to think philosophers have been debating that question for centuries! The answer is so simple. Now I must inform my fiance that the sole purpose of our marriage is to perpetuate the race, and he also had better start working out because that chasing never really happened and apparently the success of our love depends on it!

February 22, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmanda May

What a load of utter bullshit. "The unspeakable love" and "mother love" not being "true love." Utter hogwash.

Bleh. I should have saved this for a day when I have more sense of humor and less potty mouth.

February 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah

This is so true, man's efforts should be too evident that people can see how he loves his woman. He should do all he can to make the woman feel loved, appreciated, cared for, given the special attention that she so deserve to have. Also, I like the part where it was mentioned that marriage should then be the goal of two people loving each other. Perfect post for the month of heart, though today is March already. :)

Lee H. Baucom
Save The Marriage

March 4, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLee H. Baucom

This book is correct. You probably suspect this already which is why you made your post. When you grow up, you'll be able to say so -- and you won't be afraid of what your friends will think of you.

August 31, 2013 | Unregistered CommenterAO

Lee H. Baucom and AO - I think you might both be suffering from metal decrepitude.

September 2, 2013 | Registered CommenterLouise

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