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I’m Louise. Blogger. Wife. Designer of TruLu Couture Veils + Accessories.  If you’d like to know more, check out my bio.

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Thursday
Nov102011

Dear Pan X.

I got a shit-ton of hits this week from Wedding Wire from a bride who decidedly did NOT like my post on Vera Wang’s White line offered at David’s Bridal.

Here’s the comment:

Soooooo just had a friend trash my dress because it isn't a "real" Vera Wang dress. She likes this blog http://www.thethirtysomethingbride.com/imported-20100102151706/2011/2/1/davids-bridal-vs-vera-wang.html Which is the thin [sic]I blame for this situation. I really do not like that blog, because the blogger is such a snob all the time while pretending to understand and sympathize, even support brides on a budget. I hate dress snobs. You can afford Vera Wang made of 100% silk? Good for you. Now leave me alone to enjoy my polyester dress in peace please. This is one of those girls who spends $400 on a Coach Wallet she really can't afford, because God forbid she pay bills if she has to use a cheap wallet.

Thought I'd reply here to a few accusations tossed my way....

First, if you don't like me or my blog, I am way OK with that. Lots of people don’t. If you don't think I'm supportive of brides and the choices they make, I'm OK with that too. The great thing about being human is that we get to make decisions about what we read and don't read, do and don't do. It’s good to be human, no?

As for being a dress snob - perhaps I am. I've attempted, over time, to explain the differences in the price of gowns so that brides who might not know the difference between the quality of a DB dress and designer dress don't become overwhelmed and/or feel inferior about about their dress choice. It appears that what I think I’m doing and how you feel about that are not one in the same. Please note that it is not my intention to be a dress snob. I will admit that I am a quality snob, but that’s not limited to dresses.

However, I do feel somewhat personally attacked. Some of the things you said in your comment lead me to believe you’re not a regular reader, so I want to clarify simply because  like a lot of people, I’m insecure and don’t like to be spoken about negatively.


For the record:

  • I could not afford a Vera Wang dress. My original budget was $800 for my gown. I ended up with a Mikaella gown that cost me $1300 before alterations. The ONLY reason I could afford the dress was because my mom slipped me an extra $500 on the sly because she knew I was having a hard time finding a gown I loved in my price range.
  • As I’ve mentioned many times before (though you may not be aware), I am a seamstress and designer by trade and training. The reason I talk about the differences in the gowns is to educate; to explain why one dress is more expensive than another. If you don’t care, that’s fine. For me, it pisses me off when I see cheap dresses being sold at any price just because of the label on it, hence my Vera Wang White post.
  • Now, as for the bit about the Coach wallet and paying my bills? Um, screw you. Yeah, I said it. And everyone who might be supporting Pan X. and her comment and rant on dress snobs? THINK for just a minute about how a comment like that might make you FEEL. Screw the bits about the dress snobbery- that’s just superficial fluff in the big-life-picture. What if, for the sake of her comment, that I am reckless with my money? What if I have regrets a-plenty about the money I’ve spent? I certainly don’t want to see that and have it thrown in my face, deserved or not. Would you? HOWEVER, you Pan X., could not be more wrong about me and the state of my financial affairs, as if they were any of your business to begin with. I learned a long, hard lesson about finances when I was in my early 20’s and I paid for it, literally, for years. Since then, I have NEVER purchased a product (other than my house) that I could not pay for in cash. Ever. Whether that thing be a $400 Coach wallet (for the record, nope) or the 2 for $15 t-shirts at Old Navy (for the record, MANY times). I have a credit score that would make your head swim and I helped my husband increase his over 100 points with smart financial planning. We paid for our wedding ourselves without going a penny into debt, our assistance amounting to the $500 my mom gave me. I have been unemployed for a year and have JUST dipped into our “big” savings account to help us along. I can be unemployed for at least another 13-14 months before worry sets in. Why? Because I planned. Because I saved. Because I never lived beyond my means. Because I played it smart when everyone else I knew was throwing money around like it was confetti. Because I work hard for my money.  And you know what?  I’m PROUD of this fact. So do me favor, OK? Before you go talking about people and assuming certain things about their personal lives, dig a little deeper (or just ask). All that crap is somewhere on this blog, you just have to read.
  • Lastly, instead of blaming me because I choose to put my thoughts, experience and knowledge out there regarding the differences in the DB Vera Wang and the real deal, I might consider your choice of friends. People who say that kind of shit to each other are generally insecure or unhappy about something. I honestly don’t think this is about you, this blog, your dress or Vera Wang. I think this is about the “friend” who said a mean thing that upset you. And for that I’m sorry. No one, and I mean no one should be made to feel bad about their choice of dress, or anything associated with their weddings, despite what this blog, your friend or any other website might tell you. Period.

I wrote all this here only because it wouldn’t fit in the comment section on Wedding Wire.

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Reader Comments (32)

I wonder how closely Pan X even read your original blog post that has so overwhelmingly ruined her wedding/day/life. While it is clear you aren't the #1 fan of VW for DB, it's not as if you sat around and shat all over it, especially without an ounce of brain power. It was a clear-cut, knowledge-based, open conversation about the good, bad and ugly of the bridal gown industry and not at all a cut on people one way or the other. Some brides do not care about structural integrity and fabric selection of their gown while others do not care about letterpress invitations or loads of imported orchids adorning their tabletops. Obviously this is your blog and you get to have an opinion about fabric and structure since, hello! you know what you are talking about.

Perhaps one Ms. Pan X should just worry about herself, her fiance, their wedding and what her/their priorities are, and tell her friend to fuck off. Who needs a friend like that anyways? not me!

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercarolyn

Carolyn - Thanks for the support. Brides have it rough sometimes and anything can set them off. Blog posts can set them off. I get it. I was there. I've left knee-jerk, lame comments before and regretted them then and now. I want to support a woman like Pan X. because she feels inferior to something in the wedding industry and I hate that. Despite what may be perceived snobbery, I do not want that for any bride, simply because I went through it too.

November 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

They say that your blog has really made it when you have the judgmental critiques... so CONGRATS Girl! I for one, KNOW that you are an amazing blogger, supportive of all brides and budgets and not even CLOSE to being Snobbish... so just know, your real followers KNOW what you are about - and we're the ones that matter! Smooches Doll! Thanks for ALWAYS keeping it real!!!

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAmyJean

Amy Jean - Is that what they say? I wonder sometimes....
And thanks for the support! Yours was one of the first blogs I followed and you were definitely the first blogger I contacted outside the comment section. I WAS SO SCARED! I thought you'd ignore me and/or think I was silly for asking you about... html code in blogspot, I think? You answered my question and suggested I contact another blogger for more info. You opened your arms to me in the blog world and for that I will be forever grateful! The Relentless Bride ROCKS!

November 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

Ohmigosh who gives their friend a hard time about her dress?! I think the Coach wallet comment was directed towards her, not you. The poor girl is freaking out and it's easier for her to lash out at a stranger than her lame friend. Although I take anyone to task for being mean to you.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterveronica

V-I thought that too, at first. Then after I'd read it for like, the billionth time, I realized she'd written "the blogger" and that the comments were directed at yours truly.
And you're right. Brides lash out. I did. It's just that I feel the comments were so contrary to who I am and what this blog is about that I had to say SOMETHING.

November 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

It's like beer. I enjoy drinking good beer. I don't mind paying 10 dollars a six pack for beer I really like. I think a lot of the beer out there in the world is horse swill. But a lot of people don't care about what kind of beer they drink.

This is how I felt about my wedding dress. And so I bought the Miller Light of a dress (it was a bridesmaid dress, of course). The zipper pulled the dress a little strangely and there were some weird creases that I hoped no one noticed. But I didn't care enough to spend good money on my dress.

I have informed opinions as to why I like certain beers more than others. You know a shit-ton about dress construction. This is why you're interesting to read (well that and all the cursing). I'm a fan of informed opinions. It's only snobbery when you don't know what the fuck you're talking about.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterindependent clause

I'd like to chime in with my vote of confidence and support - Louise is the farthest thing from what Pan X described. She is a highly talented seamstress and designer. I have a large amount of respect for Louise, her craft, and her blog voice. Not everyone has the balls to write the way Louise does.

Louise came over to my house while she was working on my wedding veil and she got to see my wedding dress. For the record, I purchased a SAMPLE gown, right off the rack and clearance priced from a little-known Australian label. Not once did she slam my choice, the construction, the label or the price. As a matter of fact, she congratulated me on getting such a lovely gown for a bargain.

Does that sound like a dress snob to you? Someone that would spend $400 on a Coach wallet during rough economic times? NO MA'AM. Not the Louise I know.

I'm sad that Pan X's friend was so heartless and she took it out on an innocent bystander. I'm certainly not going to slam either of them, but back up what Louise is saying: do some introspection, relax and we all hope you have a lovely wedding day.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNatosha

@Clause: It's like beer? Dude. Thanks for the GOL (Guffah Out Loud).

@Natosha: Your gown was totally hot! And thanks for the support. And you're right, I think we all wish for Pan X. to have a fabulous wedding day. I think that's the point in all this crazy blog stuff.

November 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

Everything I do is for the guffaw in cyberspace and in life. Thanks ;)

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterindependent clause

I don't think you read her comment at all. Her whole comment was about her friend and not you. She only referenced your blog post because her friend liked it and then proceeded to trash her dress.
How lame was it of you to make a whole blog post about someone you barely know. You could have easily sent her a PM on Weddingwire.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Tattoo

Wait. Pan X clearly called our dear Louise a SNOB and she doesn't know Louise at ALL. She didn't write Louise privately and express her frustrations - she called her a mean name in a public forum. Why shouldn't Louise respond?

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterveronica

The ONLY thing Pan X. said about you and your blog is that she doesn't personally like it because you are a dress snob. All other comments were about her friend. Perhaps YOU should dig a little deeper, or just read the comments a little more closely.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKerri

I agree with you; that "friend" was out of line when making any negative comment about her dress. You don't do it to a bride, even after the fact. My new husband's aunt had to make a comment about my dress seeming to be too long, and it hurt. Since I just had to delete a huge, cursing rant about it....it still hurts. She was just commenting on the alterations (which I did myself with my mother's help) so I can't personally imagine how devastating it would be to have someone call my dress "cheap" and "inferior" in any way. The friend might as well have called the bride a horrible name, since the dress we choose is ultimately is a representation of ourselves. Shame on them.

While I feel very bad for her as a bride, it was not appropriate for her to lash out at you, an innocent bystander, on a public forum. Good for you for protecting your name and for reminding her who the real antagonist is in this situation! I hope that both you and this bride each get an apology from the appropriate party.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCathryn

um, i think you need to read a little better and get off your high horse.

"Soooooo just had a friend trash my dress because it isn't a "real" Vera Wang dress." <-- here she refers to a friend trashing her dress

"This is one of those girls who spends $400 on a Coach Wallet she really can't afford, because God forbid she pay bills if she has to use a cheap wallet." <-- Referring to aforementioned friend.. not YOU

so unless YOU are the friend that is trashing her dress, i think you need to take some reading comprehension courses

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commentericanreadcanyou

Hmm. I've never met you, Louise, but I like you. As a frequent reader (and totally infrequent comment-leaver), I just wanted to chime in here.

The comment about the Coach wallet was directed at Louise. If that wasn't PanX's intent, she should have re-written her post. Because it reads as though her subject, for that entire paragraph, is Louise. I was a creative writing major. Never thought it would come in handy for this, though.

Good for you for defending yourself, Louise! And I love when you talk about dresses, I've learned a lot about quality from reading this blog. I may end up with a dress from David's Bridal, and I'll know what I'm paying for.
Pan X needs to find better friends. Seriously.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterRenee

After reading your comment on your blog, and reading the post by Pan X- just to clear something up- I'm pretty sure Pan X was speaking of her friend purchasing a Coach Wallet before paying her bills, not you. She doesn't know you so how would she know if you bough a Coach wallet? Not to be offensive- just saying.
Also, just for the record, I find it tactless that you called Pan out on your blog. If you claim not to care like it says in your post, why even bother?

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKKC

Pan X was in no way refering to this blogger (I already forgot her name). She was refering to her friend the whold time except for the dress snob comment that I totally agree with!!!!! I read the blog that Pan pposted and yes she is on a quality rant but she completely downs any DB dresses. THERE ARE WOMEN OUT THERE THAT CANNOT AFFORD A DRESS MORE THAN $400. I will not be reading this blog any longer due to the immaturity of the author on this subject

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDB Bride

Hey y'all - to answer the big question: yes, I can read. I think the question now is can Pan X. write? If she didn't mean me, than I guess all these years of reading, writing and comprehension were for naught. Renee above covers the topic pretty well regarding the paragraph. I'd love for Fangs & Clause to chime in, she's a dang editor for crissake.

There's a new link on Wedding Wire now where people are calling me out for posting this on my blog, calling me immature, blah blah blah. Saying I was a marketing genius (appreicated, but not the intent when I wrote it, nor is the "compliment" meant that way, I'm certain), that my sponsors are my own company (um, just the one and it IS my blog and yes, I will use my own platform to promote that company. I mean, who WOULDN'T? Such a silly remark.).

And as for caring, I think I made it clear that I DO care. No one likes to be spoken about in a way that is personally disparaging, which is what my comments are directed at regarding Pan X. Based on my comprehension of her comment, it certainly is not nice at all. And why should I be held to a different standard than Pan X? Her forum is public, so is mine.

And as a last thought based on this backlash, what if I am wrong? What if Pan X. is talking about her friend? Assuming to know her friend's financial status and making those comments is nearly as horrid as what the friend said about her dress. Money is a lot like relationships: there are things going on behind closed doors that you will just NEVER know and to assume someone's financial status or position is not cool. At all. Which is why I freaked. I still stand behind my comments.

So there.

November 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

Whew! Reading all these comments kinda makes my head hurt. But I gotta put in 2 cents. Now, i admit I'm just a TEENY bit prejudiced since TSB is my daughter. If what I am about to say were not true, I just wouldn't say anything.
Here tis: What TSB says and the supporters all say is absolutely true. She is talented and professional (occasional bad language excepted) and Knows What She is Talking About. Her dad and I paid a lot for her to have those creds, and her many years of experience have added to it. She is also much like her dad, in that she has so much integrity and honesty built into her personality, there is no way she can act contrary to it. She can also be a little insecure when criticized -- perhaps she gets that from me - and feels she MUST set the record straight when someone is wrong about her, or anyone/anything else (that integrity thing kicking in).
So to Pan X, whoever you are, you are so WRONG on so many levels. I would like to see an APOLOGY to TSB from you, but I won't hold my breath. And I do hope you can rise above the pettiness and enjoy your dress and your wedding.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMom

Aw, Mom. That was nice!

I think everyone gets insecure when they are criticized, right? I do remember how ticked you'd get at me when I complained that you bought the wrong cereal or snack or whatever from the grocery store!

But you know, I don't need or want an apology from Pan X. I've said what I wanted to say regarding her accusations, assuming its an accusation (though I simply cannot see/read it otherwise).

But I also want her to understand that it's OK to step away from the blog world. The wedding world. The wedding planning world. The wedding message boards (I personally find those things to be poisonous in so many ways). It is all-freaking-consuming and exhausting. It certainly doesn't help when your friend is talking smack about your dress.

Mom, you remember my melt downs - not pretty. At all. Some were directed at you. It's easy to lash out. BUT, you are right - when accused or challenged, I'm going to do everything in my power to make it right or be heard or whatever. Perhaps that's one of the reasons I keep blogging. I have a forum for it all!

Thanks again, Mom.

P.S. If y'all talk smack about or to my Mom? Your comments WILL be deleted. T30SB don't play that way. Give me your best (or worst), I can take it... but leave my Mom out of it. PERIOD.

November 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

Well, I think Pam was unclear. I believe she leaves the reader guessing about to whom she is directing the wallet comment. Were I Louise, I would want to defend or explain who I really am. If I were the friend, I would hang my head.

If I were Pam, I would look in the mirror, congratulate myself on my dress choice, and try to avoid public rants while stressed.

I would like to turn back the clock a bit and do what I could to stop what I feel the bridal industry is doing to brides. Way to much stress!!!!! When a bride says she has only nine months to plan????? When her budget is limited to thousands????

Yes, the wedding is important. You want it to be beautiful. More important? You are getting married.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterflo

Wow! I don't think Pam meant to for things to be interpenetrated exactly how you took them... and those of us on wedding wire knew what she was saying. She's not a professional writer or blogger, so she doesn't have to be perfect! Yes, she posted the link to your blog so that we could read it... you should be happy about that! You just received 150+ more views than you normally would have and everyone knows that bloggers make money off of how many times their page(read: ads on the side) is viewed! Do you not realize that you have just created a lot of drama for this lady and now she will dislike you?!? Her bridesmaid reads your blog... so now she's going to see this post that she was meaning to vent to her wedding wire girls.. and then she's going to get mad ad her friend for venting about it. If you had a problem with this you should have asked Pam directly on wedding wire by either private message or posting on the thread rather than being a bitch about it. Grow up.

November 10, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteryouareabeetch

@Youareabeetch - Is that the same as "bitch?" It's OK, you can swear and spell on this blog. I don't mind.

Here's the best thing about all of this - as a public forum, both here and on Wedding Wire? YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR ACTIONS. You write, you link, you comment? You'd better freaking own it. Wedding Wire as well as this blog are PUBLIC FORUMS.

Grow up? Baby, I'm there. All the drama caused by someone's inability to communicate either on line or with her friends? How is that MY issue?

P.S. 150 views? Please. Y'all are blowin' this UP.

November 10, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

Wow, so one person is upset because her friend read a post in your blog, then trashed her dress based off of what she read, and now your upset because how dare she reference your blog while complaining about her friend? In your blog you said "not everyone can afford a $7,000 dress. This made me laugh, I can't afford a dress at 1/10 of that cost! But regardless, for you to first attack this bride, then to pretend to be sympathetic with her, is just stupid.

P.S. spending $1,300 on a dress that you wear for 1/2 a day is a wast of money

November 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJennifer T.

@Jennifer - I really do wonder how much you guys actually read. Please tell me where I said I was mad she referenced my blog. The ONLY thing I was/am mad about is her assuming and writing that I don't pay my bills or that I spend my money frivolously.

And what YOU really need to think about is this: what's important to you on your wedding day is YOUR business. Your budget is YOUR business. My budget is MY business, though I did elect a long time ago to share all the information here as a means of educating brides who might be as overwhelmed as I was when it came to wedding planning.

Just because YOU cannot afford in your budget to spend $7000 (or $1300 or even $300) on a dress doesn't mean that money spent is a waste to another bride, particularly if she can afford it. Buy what you can afford and want to spend. Be happy about it, if you can.

And the reality is I AM sympathetic towards this bride. However, being sympathetic doesn't mean I'm going sit back and let her publicly say disparaging remarks about my financial state. To think THAT? That's stupid.

November 11, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

Louise-No one was talking about YOUR financial state. What part of that don't you get? She wasn't talking about YOU.
You took it one step too far. This post makes you look immature and a bitch. You pull this kind of shit in high school. You are thirty something, not twenty something. You are a professional blogger and professionals don't lash out in public.
You could have easily taken care of this in a private message, but you decided to be an attention whore about it. You are butt hurt over something that didn't have to do with you.

November 11, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Tattoo

Miss Tattoo - Actually, I'm 40-something now. Keep up?

The great thing about being a "professional" blogger is that I get to write about what I want, when I want and how I want. And I can and will respond to anything I seem fit to discuss, most of all what was read by myself and many other people, to be a personal attack. Whether intended or not, it was read that way. Period. What part that can't YOU understand?

And you? I don't like you. You troll wedding message boards and spout this holier-than-thou attitude based on whatever seems to be the hot topic du jour. Attention whore? Please. Need a mirror?

November 11, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been said. However, I, too used to be a writer by trade (now I'm just a writer by hobby), and I, too thought she was referring to you when she talked about the Coach wallet. If Pan X. actually meant her friend and not Louise, she made the very elementary mistake of using a dangling modifier in her comment.

Oh, no! Does this make me a grammar snob? Yup, it does. Too fucking bad. If you don't want people to misread your intent, then proofread before you hit submit.

Oh, and while you're all dissing Louise for her reading comprehension skills, maybe you all should brush up yourselves. In the DB/Vera post (in the post and on the comments) she noted a number of times that where, if you love your dress and look stunning in it, others' opinions, especially not hers.

Me? I don't like DB because I don't particularly care for big box stores in general. I wanted to support a small business. However, I have friends that wore (and loved) their DB dresses and they looked phenomenal. Everyone has their personal reasons for the choices they make, and discussing why you make those choices doesn't mean you're dissing someone else's path.

OK, maybe I had more to add than I thought I did. :)

PS to Louise - Firefox was giving me comment-hell, so there may be multiple comments of the same nature from me. Feel free to delete if this is the case!

November 11, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteririsira

In the DB/Vera post (in the post and on the comments) she noted a number of times that where, if you love your dress and look stunning in it, others' opinions, especially not hers.

*hangs head sheepishly*

I call people out for not proofreading, and then I submit this disaster of a sentence.

Other people's opinions don't MATTER.

Yes, that's what I meant. If you love your dress, wear the hell out of it, and you'll be stunning. You're a blushing, glowing bride - how would you not be? :)

November 12, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteririsira

Just now reading this (from your 'best of' link), but wanted to say: Good for you. If someone is feeling the need to publicly attack a stranger, I fully believe that stranger has every right to publicly defend themselves - especially on a site they run and manage. No matter which way this "PanX" meant her comment, if it helps you feel more clearly represented to respond, I see nothing wrong with that. This is your space - people can feel free to not read if it upsets them. But when you put yourself out there (as you do in this blog) I think you have every reason to defend what may come across as a mis-representation of yourself. Not to mention, this site helps support a personal business. Any other business would certainly take the time to clarify statements that dont accurately represent them. Why shouldn't you?

December 29, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCourtney

@Courtney - Agreed! Thanks for the comment!

December 29, 2011 | Registered CommenterLouise

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